Tokyo Blond Is Not Porn

Tokyo Blond is not a porn blog, about hair or even, as one pithy friend remarked, a micro beer or late 1980s glam metal band ("Dude, I just saw Skid Row and Tokyo Blond opened and played a killer set").


The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my experiences in Tokyo - poignantly, visually, irreverently - for fun.


Anybody can tag along...that is if I like you. This blog will endeavor to be entertaining and honest and frequent enough to keep those following interested including me.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Forgive me for I have sinned; it's been three weeks since my last post

Hey, I was busy!!!  I had to get Ranger USDA approved - again.  Last time the government charged me over $200 for the blessed official stamps.  This time it was just $36.  What up with that?  Not that I want to pay more.  No, please let me pay more.

I had to meet with the Easter Bunny.  I wasn't sure he even covered Tokyo and as it turns out he doesn't.
So I had to fill in for him.  I pulled together the good stuff, not that cheap crap you get in the pre-made baskets at Ralphs.  See's Bordeux egg with chocolate sprinkles, a custom selected box of Russell preferred See's candies, Reeses peanut butter cups, Hershey's AND Cadbury cream eggs, on a bed of cellophane grass, you gotta have the grass.  I put these in a special Easter box called "Priority Mail - if it fits; it ships" (even internationally).  So yes, you too can put $25 worth of chocolate in this special box and ship it to Tokyo for $45.

I tell ya, no good deed goes unpunished, because after it was all said and done it actually cost me $110.  $25 for the chocolate, $35 for a non-priority mail box and $50 for the parking ticket I got because the meter ran out when I was transferring stuff from the Priority Mail box to the plain box.  Note to interested parties "if it fits it may not be cheaper."  The weight is really the important factor.  Isn't it always?  And then it didn't arrive in the five to six days they said it would so Russell could enjoy it along with the digital easter egg hunt I planned for him.

Every year on Easter Sunday I do a little egg hunt for Russell.  When he wakes up there's a plastic egg beside his bed.  In it is a clue to where the next egg can be found. If he's successful in answering the clues they will lead him to his Easter basket.  (If not, I get it - just kidding - kind of.) But this year, since he would be in Tokyo and I would still be in Los Angeles, I planned a digital easter egg hunt.  Eleven email "eggs" provided clues to ten websites or answers procured through websites.  If he solved all the clues then the last email instructed him to eat his eggs, i.e., chocolate eggs.  But sadly the Easter box didn't arrive until the day he was leaving to join me back in California, four days after Easter.  Sigh.  I guess that just means I have to help him eat it when I return.

And then we went on vacation to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  Yes, we only travel to countries with travel advisories.  We're thinking of going to Syria next.  Can't beat the travel deals!

We stayed at Esperanza.  It was awesome!  It's an Auberge property.  Think Calistoga Ranch but Mexican.  I love their house made Baja lime bath products.  It's like a margarita every time you put it on.
Just don't get pulled over.

We've only been to Cabo one other time six years ago (party cruise ships don't count).  We stayed at Esperanza that time too.  It was as good as I remember.  Ironically it was warmer in L.A. than it was in Cabo the five days we were there.  But it was hot enough for us to make sure we kept hydrated by drinking margaritas by the pool all day.   That is when we weren't luxuriating in the free drink samples they kept passing around.  I love that!  Speaking of pools... They've added two more pools and a lot of iguana since we were there last. Yes, iguana, not to be confused with lizards.  We made a game out of spotting iguana.  Whoever spotted the largest iguana or multiple iguana was the winner.  Usually the big ones could be found sunning themselves, fat and bloated on a big rock, pumping themselves up and down to attract a female or ward off other males.   Generally if you spotted a big boy, Mrs. Iguana or Mrs. Iguana wanna be was somewhere nearby.  Can we get a little iguana love?

Speaking of Mrs wanna bees, they added that since the last time we were there as well.  We observed that the larger the male's gut was, the bigger the wanna bees breasts were, or similarly the older and richer the man, the younger and taunter the female.  Well except for me, of course.   I told Russell I wanted to bring along a stunningly hot and much younger man to the pool with me.  I'm sure the concierge could arrange one.  He'd have to put on a show.  You know, rub sun tan lotion all over me, often, carry me around in the pool, bring me frosty beverages.  Hello, cabana boy?!!! This would only be in protest, not like it would be any fun for me at all.  I'm all about the cause.  Russell didn't quite see it that way.

While we were there Obama decided to assassinate Osama.  The texts started pouring in. We actually turned on the news and discovered the whole world was under travel advisory.  I asked Russell how the al-Qaeda feel about Mexicans.  We determined we were probably safer in Mexico than the U.S. and proceeded to celebrate with another margarita.

Each night the resort had a theme.  Since we live in Japan, we decided to skip Asian night (no joke).  Instead we took a taxi to "Palmilla the One and Only" to have dinner at "Agua."  Kind of an ironic name considering you're not supposed to drink the water (agua) in Mexico.  The resort was like Disneyland at night.   It reminded me of the Alice and Wonderland ride, well, except for the flaming driveway and bats.  The resort is covered by a verdant canopy of trees and exotic flowers.  All the trees and bushes were lit up with diaphanous lanterns and accentuated by glowing water ways.  It was magical.  It made you feel like bursting into song  - just like a Disney musical.  I was ready to kiss a frog.

We sang our way to the restaurant which by the way, has a copious selection of waters, hence the name - the joke's on us.  We decided to start with SMART water.  I feel so much smarter now, although I still can't spell.   Dinner was lovely although the wine list was tragically over-priced.  We sat under the stars, looking out onto the bay which sparkles with the reflection of twinkling lights from old Cabo.  This perfection was only marred by the strange sounds of the new age musician.  It started with a fog machine and a conch shell.  It ended with a whistle and guttural screams.  The propaganda piece on our table described it as haunting, almost tribal.  Ok, is this supposed to make me hungry (I'm thinking cannibalism) or just drink more?

The next night was Cinco de Mayo which we came to realize is really an American holiday.  Apparently we're the only ones who actually celebrate it, except for the town of Puebla.  We think Cinco de Mayo is  Mexico Independence Day when actually it's a celebration of how 4,000 Mexicans, aided by the U.S., defeated 8,000 French at the battle of Puebla.   So it's really us celebrating us, as usual.

http://www.vivacincodemayo.org/history.htm

Mexico's actual independence day is September 16th.  The resort, recognizing who fuels their tourism trade, held a celebration, complete with a Mexican buffet and fireworks.  The fireworks lasted a grand total of two whole minutes and that's rounding up.  Just as we were settling down to prime viewing location...it was over. It happened so quick we thought we missed it.  We celebrated with another margarita and a churro.

And then, all too soon, we had gained the requisite seven pounds (even though I ran on the treadmill almost every day) and the vacation was over.  We flew back to L.A., checked out of the Oakwood, checked PLB, (Pretty Little Bitch otherwise know as the Porsche) into the store-a-ford-clinic, and got on a plane with Ranger the Wonderdog, to Tokyo.  We're back.

No comments:

Post a Comment