Tokyo Blond Is Not Porn

Tokyo Blond is not a porn blog, about hair or even, as one pithy friend remarked, a micro beer or late 1980s glam metal band ("Dude, I just saw Skid Row and Tokyo Blond opened and played a killer set").


The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my experiences in Tokyo - poignantly, visually, irreverently - for fun.


Anybody can tag along...that is if I like you. This blog will endeavor to be entertaining and honest and frequent enough to keep those following interested including me.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Thank Goodness for a Bag of Poop

I'm serious. A bag of shit saved my life yesterday.

So there I was, walking Ranger through the park, as usual.  As usual it had been raining so the park was soggy and wet, even though the sun was trying valiantly to peek through the scattered clouds.  Not as usual, however, was a troupe of people filming what looked like a music video.  It was a girl band and as usual they all looked like they were 12 years old.

I don't get it.  All the girl bands here have at least five members and they're always trying to be sexy by wearing school uniforms or something equally pubescent.  There's one video where the theme is what girls do at bed time behind closed doors. As you might imagine they're all wearing frilly lingerie and practicing chaste kissing on each other.  My favorite segment is when they're dolled up in (dolled up is exactly the right expression here) kitty/french maid outfits and feeding each other sweets.  Hello kitty!  As if!
I'm not even exaggerating; take a look for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkHlnWFnA0c&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

But I digress.

At the time Ranger and I passed, they were filming one girl, singing to camera, while six other equally nubile girls looked on and lip synched the words while doing a dance routine.

You don't see that in the park everyday.

I was musing about this as I descended some stairs and suddenly slipped.  My feet just came out from under me and I started to fall back onto the muddy steps.  I was holding Ranger's leash with my left hand and two bags of fresh, still warm, dog crap with the right hand.  Ranger promptly took off, tail tucked between his legs.  Thank God for the poop, it broke my fall.  I might of had a broken wrist if it hadn't been for the warm cushioning of the shit bags.  I was even more thankful the bags didn't burst.  I was already covered in mud from mid back to mid thigh.

Of course my first thought was, "Oh shit, Ranger's going to attack that park attendant in front of us."  But Ranger was too concerned for his own safety.  Traitor.  Although he did come racing back, ears laid low, all concerned kisses and earnest wagging.  "Mommy, are you ok?  Are you hurt? Do I still get my treats?"

Which is more than I can say for the park attendant.  He just looked at me, sprawled on the steps, and kept walking.  Maybe he was allowing me to "save face."  Yeah, that's it.

To add insult to injury a mosquito bit me on the ear too.

As we were only half way through the walk I had to shuffle, covered in mud and shame, the rest of the way home, past the sidewalk coffee shop where all the ex-pats sit outside and relish their cigarettes, itching my ear and hoping they won't think I shit my pants.




Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Drivers Ed Part IV - Three's the Charm

Three's the charm!!! After three attempts Russell finally passed his drivers test to earn him a coveted Japanese drivers license.  And in the pouring rain no less!

I asked if he did anything different this time.  He said no.  But the inspector definitely noted how many times he had taken the test before.  He said, if he wanted to find something he probably could have.

I'm so proud of him.  When he called to tell me the good news he sounded like a 16 year old, which is the age most Americans become licensed drivers.  He said he was actually nervous.  We thought the ordeal was finally over.  But no.  After you pass the test they make you wait for hours to receive the finished license.

Russell's test was at 12:30, but he didn't actually take possession of the license until 5pm.  He said by the time he stewarded the paperwork through all the windows it had about 20 stamps on it.  Geez, this is more difficult than bringing a fruit basket into the country.

But now we're free, free!  Armed with a drivers license and a dog kennel, we can rent a car and explore the country side.  I can't wait.

We decided to celebrate.

I'd always wanted to try the New York Grill.  You know, the place in the movie "Lost in Translation" where Bill Murray sits in the bar after the Suntory photo shoot, clips still holding his jacket taut.  Yeah, that's the one.  When we called I thought there's no way we're going to get a reservation.  It's 6:30 Friday night and Russell wanted reservations for 8pm.  I guess they're not that busy in August.  We got in.

Russell asked them if we could bring our own bottle of wine with us since we were celebrating a special occasion.  They enthusiastically inquired about the occasion.  I could hear the receptionist laughing when Russell told her. "Um, I just got my Japanese drivers license."

Thank goodness we brought our own wine.  Although the wine choices are exalted, the list is tragically over-priced.  The food was excellent.  I ordered the "Central Park" five-course pre-fixe menu.  Russell ordered four items a la carte.  His caesar salad was a meal in itself.

Yet after our sumptuous meal, sure enough, the waiter brought flicking candles glowing over a celebratory dessert.  Russell's dessert was better than mine.  House made cherry ice cream.  I had to help him eat it.




Finally!

 
The happy driver.

The proud wife.

Then we went to the bar where in the movie "We're Sausalito" played.  There was a band, just like in the movie.  The bar was packed and they charged us a cover charge, even though we had just eaten in their  restaurant.  The singer was a woman but she wasn't a red head.  Actually, she was blonde.  We stayed for one drink, not Suntory, and the view.

Congratulations Russell.


The amazing view from the 52nd floor of the Park Hyatt.

Bar scene.
Bill sat at the end.






Sunday, August 21, 2011

Can I Take My Elephant Home?

I can now proudly say I have ridden an elephant and not just in an elephant chair.  I actually rode on her head with my legs dangling behind her spotted ears.  I was close enough to whisper encouragement into them and feel the wiry hairs on her forehead.

Her name was Emma and she was just a couple of years younger than me at 43.

Elephant trekking is cool!

The tour was arranged by the concierge at our hotel.  They picked us up in an open air pick-up truck and we bounced our way through the busiest part of Koh Samui, past market after market and stray dogs to our destination.  There was a monkey waiting for us and several other tourists.

The property looked like Fantasy Island but without Tattoo, or has been actors.  It seemed kind of disorganized.  There were a lot of people just hanging around, locals and tourists alike.  No one seemed to know whose turn was next.  We entertained ourselves with lizards and flowers until we were finally summoned.  There was a bar but they only served hotdogs and sodas - missed opportunity there.

The touring company offered several options.  They had a full day tour option which included a 15 minute elephant ride, waterfall hike and Thai cooking session.  No thank you.  I'll just take the elephant.  We decided upon the hour elephant trek.

Finally our turn came.  They introduced us to Emma and her handler, or was it really our handler, whose name I cannot pronounce.  He wasn't very friendly until after the hour ride when we tipped him. Then he was suddenly all smiles and even got Emma to pose with us.  Note to self, always tip the elephant handler before the ride.  I'll have to remember this for next time.

I'm here till Thursday, try the bananas.
And no, I don't do any tricks.

Pretty flowers and they smell nice too.

Russell in the waiting area.

A local.

The trek-a-sphere
It really IS a jungle out there.

Emma the elephant.

I get to be on top!

I'm the queen of the world!!

Russell feeding Emma a well deserved treat.
No you can't have a banana - they're for the elephants.

If she could talk, what would she say?
Get off?

Can I take her home? Can I?

On the way back to the hotel, the driver took us by one of the premiere sightseeing locations on the island, Namuang Waterfall.  But I like to call it simply, "Tourist Trap."  Sure there's a waterfall and it would be delightful if the path to it wasn't littered with lean-to after lean-to hawking goods and mystery meat on a stick.  When I think of waterfall I think of naturally occurring phenomenon in the wilderness.  Not naturally occurring shopping bazaar accentuated by waterfall.  

Yet another stray cat.
Apparently they follow the tourists.

Famous waterfall.

Famous waterfall with tourists.




Spa Me, Feed Me, Hose Me Down

The toughest decisions while on vacation at the Four Seasons Koh Samui were beach or pool, wine or cocktail, 90 or 120 minute massage.    Decisions, decisions.

First decision - 90 minutes.  Couples massage.





Spa reception


100 stairs led to one of five treatment rooms.  
You needed treatment by the time you climbed the stairs in the heat.

They told us to undress and put on the robes provided, and when we were ready, to ring the bell.  But halfway through undressing they knocked on the door and handed us two sheer pieces of fabric that looked suspiciously like underwear.  They were underwear.  They were so sheer  - why bother?  Was it to make us feel comfortable or them? I have to say Russell looked adorable in them.  I wanted to post a picture but for some reason he wouldn't let me.  I brought them home as a souvenir and to make him wear again later.  Tee hee.  

When we were properly attired, we rang the bell.  Our attendants came in and washed our feet in coconut oil and kafir lime leaves, then led us into the inner sanctum where we had a 90 minute couples massage.
It was outstanding even with the underwear.

 The bell and the foot bowls. I think I need these at home.
Now, who can I get to wash my feet?


The stairs back down to reception.
I need a nap now.  Lay me down on the beach.

Oh here's the beach now.

Poolside or beach side - what to chose?

You're right Russell - cocktails first

Then pool

Later we decided to go into town for some local fare.  But first a sunset cocktail at the bar.  We tried a local wine.  Who knew Thailand makes wine?  We tried a rather refreshing rose.  Not bad at all.  Of course anything would have been refreshing in this heat, if it were chilled.  There was a couple and their kids sitting in the bar when we got there.  I thought it odd they would bring kids into the bar but Russell pointed out it was early.  True.  Then their youngest started whining.  Soon the whining turned to screaming.  "Ma Mere, Ma Mere....!!!!!"  I discovered, even in French, whining is annoying.  You would think the couple would remove the screaming kid.  Mais Non!  But no, why would they?  

Would someone please turn down the volume on the whining kid behind me? 
 Either that or pour me another glass.
Hell, pour the kid a glass.

We decided to move onto dinner.  The spa manager recommended a beachside restaurant in Koh Samui's storied Fisherman Village.  It was like a mini Bangkok but with more stray dogs and cats.  One side of the street were family run shops; the other, on the beach side, were open air bars and restaurants.  Entire families were watching Thai soap operas while foreigners perused their goods laid out under tarps in make-shift shops.  And it was ungodly moist.  I was sweating profusely, even with the fan turned on us by our waiter.  Stray cats did reconnaissance on freshly seated diners.  "Wait I think I got a live one here!"  Soon hordes of hungry cats gathered for scraps of BBQ fish.   Guys on the beach tried to sell tourists sky lanterns, otherwise known as Kongming Lanterns, that waft romantically into the air and glow diaphanously in the night sky.  They're beautiful when afloat but apparently not exactly environmentally friendly.

Russell had the seafood special: shrimp, muscles, mystery fish.  I had BBQ'd rock lobster.  They would have been great but it was so oppressively humid and smokey (apparently Thailand attracts chain smokers) that any pleasure derived turned into a sweaty, smokey stream of perspiration that permeated our clothes and ran down our backs in rivulets of regret.

But at least we can say we went into town.  Yeah, I won't need to leave the resort for the rest of the week now.  Thank God we have a plunge pool.  I may not even bother to take my clothes off.

I like this sign.  Very definitive.
I can't vouch for it though.

Probably the only non-stray dogs I saw.

Can a brother get a piece of fish?

This could be good if I wasn't drowning in my own sweat.
Somebody please just hose me off!!!















Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Um, This Might be Even Better than the Four Seasons in Hawaii

Ok, I confess, so I cajoled Russell into going to Koh Samui so we could stay at yet another Four Seasons.  But hey, every room comes with its own plunge pool, and at less the price than other high end hotels. I've always wanted to stay in a room with its own plunge pool but they're usually in the thousand plus per night range.  I'm not paying that unless my room comes with entertainment if you know what I mean.

So after exploring all the Four Season options in Thailand, we chose Koh Samui.  I'd really like to go to the Golden Triangle (which is an all inclusive elephant safari complete with tents), but that really is way too expensive. Maybe for a special occasion using lottery money.  Course I would have to play the lottery first.

We flew Bangkok Airlines from Bangkok to Koh Samui.  They advertise themselves as a "boutique" airline which I found kind of interesting.  I wondered what they meant by "boutique." I almost fainted when they served us a full hot, egg breakfast on the plane.  The flight was only an hour!

In America they don't feed you unless the flight is six hours and during a meal time.  But for your convenience, of course, you can purchase a snack.  For a little more you can even buy a drink.  How nice.

This is the breakfast they served us during the one hour flight.
Nice ribbon.

This was my roll.  What does it look like to you?
I agree.

The airport was boutique too.  It was so cute.   It reminded me of the Kauai airport or the Disneyland parking lot.

Control tower.  There's only one runway
so I guess that's why it's only three stories.

The runway under whimsical blue skies.
Suddenly I feel like I'm on vacation.

Tram from the runway to the terminal. So old school.
"I think we parked in the Cinderella section, honey"

The terminal was bordered with ponds and flowers.
Pond would be good for you.

Clock tower leading to a little boardwalk of duty free shops.
How convenient. 

Since we were both a little wary of traveling in Thailand, we opted for the Four Seasons delivery service, us being the delivered.  They picked us up in a Mercedes with ginger laced ice cold towels and fresh bottles of water.  Thai music wafted from the sound system.  They dropped us off in the Four Seasons' courtyard.  

At first I thought this was Hear No Evil, See No Evil, 
but it was four monkeys praying for more tourists.

A door opened into a little room with an expansive view.  It took our breath away.  Now this is what I call awesome!

OMG! This is heaven, not registration.
This little room perched on the highest point above
the resort with a commanding view of the
 Gulf of Thailand was the welcome reception. 

More cold towels, this time laced with 
lemon grass and a fragrant flower ring for me.

Chilled dragon fruit juice overlooking heaven completed our welcome.

Then a golf cart took us to our room.  Yeah, I don't think we'll be leaving the resort any time soon.

Entrance to our room.

From the gate, down the stairs...

Into this!
I get the lounger on the right!

Bedroom

Bathroom with his and...

her sinks

My bathtub.  This one's a keeper.
They had even prepared a fragrant bath,
coconut oil, rose petals and jasmine.
All I had to add was warm water and me.

Shower

Other side of the patio

View from the plunge pool.
Yeah, this don't suck.

First we had to have a sunset cocktail.

The open air lobby.
Each of those lounge chairs has a game in it.

The sunset from the lobby.

Candle lit path

Outdoor dining area

Bar

Happy bar stool warmer

Cocktails



Then to the Thai BBQ on the beach.  The food was outstanding.  


We sat on a table in the sand, front row to the evening's entertainment.
This guy was hot. Sorry, I couldn't resist the pun.

Lucky shot.  I must be buzzed.

Thai dancers in rainbow colors.
This way to the bar....