But What if They Don't Like Me?

I sound like a 4th grader on the first day of school.  It's amazing how our basic needs/fears don't change.
And I thought I was mature.

When was the last time you had to make friends?  I mean sure, there's the occasional new friend that comes along from time to time, usually at work, without much effort.  But when was the last time you were new in town and had to cultivate an all new circle of friends and social calendar?  I bet it's been a while.

Well it's been a long while for us.  In L.A. we have a large circle of friends, actually several circles of friends, like a gigantic square dance of bandana wearing partners and petticoats swirling in concentric circles.  Our dance card was full every week and weekend, sometimes too full.  But since moving to Tokyo it's really just been us three: Russell, me and the Wonder dog.  That was fine for a while, we were settling in, I was traveling back and forth to L.A. stewarding Ranger through the quarantine period, and then came the earthquake, which basically brought us back to square one.   But now it's been six months and the fact that it's just him and I and the Menace to Society, aka Ranger, is starting to show.

I mean we love spending time together.  If one thing this move has reminded us is how compatible we are and how much we truly enjoy each other's company.  But in the last few months I have started to feel vaguely discontent.  Not unhappy.  More like something was missing.  At first I thought it was just the oppressive weather and lack of daily vitamin D.  It was overcast a lot.  Maybe the newness was wearing off.  I sensed it from Russell too.  He seemed restless, as if our weekend excursions weren't satisfying enough.

But then we initiated a concerted effort to make friends, and not just any friends.  We wanted to have Japanese friends, as well as, expat friends.  It's been challenging.  Most of our friends back home were cultivated through work, usually my work, or the neighborhood.  But I'm not working and Russell doesn't feel comfortable developing friendships amongst his subordinates.  He doesn't want his employees to feel they have to.  And as far as our neighbors, most of the people who live in our building have kids.  They're very nice but it seems like their schedules, understandably, revolve around whatever programs their kids are in. There are lots of parties in our building, but they serve cupcakes instead of cocktails.  We don't have a lot in common, other than we're expats.

We started going to a lot of events, most of them at the Tokyo American Club.  We started meeting a lot of people.  Meeting people isn't the hard part;  finding people you want to spend time with is.  We started "cating". That's my made up word for couple dating.  Before each "cate" I'm always anxious.  "What do I wear?  Is this too much cleavage?  What if they don't like me?"  Russell thinks this is ridiculous.  Strangely he's fine with the cleavage, but he won't entertain my insecurities.  "They'll love you and your cleavage."

In L.A. we have a circle of friends we call the "elite eight."  We've been together for so long we decided we needed a moniker.  We all have season tickets to the Hollywood Bowl which we often use as a testing ground for the elusive fifth couple.  Several couples have been tested, each of us presenting a new couple for consideration, sure this couple will hit it off.  But these never seem to work out for various reasons.  The husband was too political, too opinionated, too loud,  all the wife did was talk about their kids, or American Idol, or nothing at all.  This couple doesn't drink - cause for immediate elimination - who invited that couple anyway?

One couple's, whose wife we all adored, husband said and I quote, "After 40, women just aren't attractive anymore" and he meant it.  Every woman at the table, including his beautiful wife, was over 40.  This comment was neither preceded nor followed with the appropriate caveat, like "present company excluded."  In fact, the SOB actually defended his point when a few of the other men, after the initial surely-he's-joking-shocked-silence had passed, argued against him, well trained husbands they are.  Needless to say, that couple wasn't invited again, ever.

So here Russell and I are cating, again.

We met a Japanese couple at a wine tasting function at which we were the only gaijin.  We've gone out with them once and we're hoping they give us another shot.  We had fun.  We drank a lot of wine.  They seemed to laugh a lot, probably at us.  The night ended in hugs.  We met a baker at that same function and have gone out with him a couple of times.  Last time he brought his daughter, which I took as a good sign, but I haven't heard from him in a while so I'm a little anxious.  We were warned not to get too attached to new Japanese friends because we may be seen as a novelty, and just like the flavor of the month, it gets thrown out at the end of the month to make way for something new.

At a wine dinner at TAC we met several couples and we've been cating ever since.  So far so good.  We actually met two couples who don't have children.  One empty nester couple and the other the same age as us.  I've been going out with the wife frequently.  I really like her.  I hope she likes me.  We talked about this at lunch a couple of weeks ago and how funny it is.

Recently I ran into a friend from High School.  High school!!!  In a city of 13 million people you're bound to run into someone you know, right?  Get this, her and I were cheerleaders together our senior year.  She was the captain of the cheerleading squad and her boyfriend was the captain of the football team.  Yes, it really does happen.

When I heard they got married after high school, I thought that'll never last.  Not because I didn't think they were right for each other, they actually were, but just because high school relationships never seem to last after high school.  I had totally forgotten she moved to Tokyo.  That was like 13 years ago.
They've been here for 11 years.  Wow!

I was afraid our first lunch would be spent reminiscing about High School.  High school was hard enough; I certainly didn't want to relive it.  Our lunch lasted three and a half hours and only 30 seconds was about high school.  It was great!  Last Friday we had dinner together with our respective husbands.  Our husbands are very similar: ridiculously nice guys who are wildly yet discreetly successful men.  We had a great time.  At least I think we did.

But now I can't help but worry - did they?  They already have a large circle of friends established.  Will we become regulars at their square dance?

Promenade, promenade.